The “right time” didn’t come for the next few days. The intensity of what she had read previously had sent Kaiya into a daze, and had earned her a day or two’s worth of punishment detail for daydreaming during weyrling training.
As she cleaned out the wherry pens, Kaiya wondered nonstop what Larana had experienced next after losing the love of her life. Did she lose herself in a storm of grief or a well of despair? Did she find someone new to love? Did something unexpected happen? It drove her crazy that she couldn’t read more right away, so her imagination started inventing different scenarios, not all of them good.
Thus, by the end of the sevenday, Kaiya was almost dreading what she would read next in Larana’s diary.
That evening, after settling a dispute between Mabonth and another dragon regarding who won a game of tic-tac-toe, Kaiya curled up in bed with the diary and ominously turned the page to where she had left off.
Kaiya had braced herself for the worst, but instead of entry after entry of grieving and despair, Larana’s writings were unusually hopeful.
01.03.10 (1st Turn, Seventh Interval)
Fort Weyr
It’s amazing how the loss of a loved one brings people together.
I didn’t see it at the time, but now that some time has passed and I’m able to focus on things around me again, I can appreciate all of the people who rallied around me to support me.
Arionth, of course, has never left me alone, and she is a constant voice of reason and support to me. She has grieved along with me, and has urged me to share my pain with her and not to suffer alone. She is my rock.
The Weyrwoman refuses to let me sink into despair, and constantly keeps me busy with studies on Pern’s politics – to prepare me to be her successor, she says, but I suspect she wants me to think of anything else but M’tran’s loss. The women of the Lower Caverns have banded together to make sure I want for nothing – my weyr is constantly clean, my gowns are wonderfully mended, and my meals always come with a tasty treat. It’s all too much, but they insist on doing it all.
I even received visits from M’tran’s mother and sister, who work as Healers in the Weyr’s infirmary. It was awkward to talk to them at first, but we soon grew comfortable with each other, talking about M’tran and our memories of him. Later on, I was visited by bronze rider R’ven, M’tran’s friend and wingmate. He gave his condolences, and assured me that during that last Threadfall, M’tran was thinking of me and longing to return to me safely. I was so full of emotion that all I could do was nod politely.
I wonder how long it will take until this pain in my heart fades away?
02.11.17 (2nd Turn, Seventh Interval)
Fort Weyr
I’ve been toying with the idea of leaving the Weyr.
Let me explain – I’m not leaving, leaving. That would be absurd; where would Arionth and I go? I mean, transferring away from Fort Weyr and settling in another Weyr.
A group of Fort riders have decided to leave and start new a Weyr in the south, along with riders from other Weyrs. A few of them have approached me to ask if I would like to join them. I demurred at first, but the more I think about it, the more it sounds like a very good idea.
A fresh start. A new beginning. One I so desperately need.
It’s only been a Turn since I’ve been able to look around the Weyr without being reminded of M’tran, for the loss of him not to linger like a fresh, gaping wound. But I’m constantly afraid of anything – a spoken word, a gesture, a memory – that would send me spiraling back down into despair. That is no way to live, and so I wonder if a change of scenery will help me heal.
03.06.17 (3rd Turn, Seventh Interval)
Western Weyr
It has been several months since we arrived in the south, but I feel like Arionth and I have only now just settled in.
Our new Weyr is Western Weyr, under Weyrleader M’dellon. As at Fort Weyr, I am a junior Weyrwoman. I don’t mind the changes in rank, or lack thereof – I can’t see myself leading an entire Weyr, and I’m content with where I’m at now.
The weather is milder, and Arionth takes every opportunity she can to sun herself outside our weyr. The air is constantly filled with the loud booms of explosives as new weyrs are carved out in the stone. Everyone is young and eager to make Western Weyr a success, and it’s hard not to share their enthusiasm.
The energetic atmosphere has also extended to the local fire-lizard fairs. Every now and then someone loses a small bauble or trinket due to a fire-lizard making off with it. Even I’ve lost a few very nice pieces of jewelry thanks to them! I had a scare earlier this morning, in which the key to this diary suddenly disappeared – it could have been lost forever if Arionth hadn’t convinced the queen fire-lizard who’d taken it to return it to me. I wouldn’t be surprised if the little queen tries to take it again, so I’ll need to find another hiding place for the key…
Kaiya turned to the next entry, only to be greeted by a blank page. Confused, she flipped through the rest of the diary, but there were no more new entries.
She sighed. It felt a little anticlimactic, the diary ending just like that. But it was real life, after all, and real life events often never ended with a flourish or fanfare. She just wished she could get some closure to Larana’s story.
Kaiya flipped through the diary’s pages again, until a folded sheet of paper fell out. Curiously, she picked up the sheet, unfolded it and smiled as she saw another diary entry emerge.
03.06.30 (3rd Turn, Seventh Interval)
Western Weyr
W ell, it happened. The thieving little queen has stolen my key again, rendering the rest of my diary inaccessible. This lone piece of paper will have to suffice as a final entry, at least until I get one of the Smithcrafters to make me another key. What a shame – the new one won’t look half as nice as the original!
Then again, maybe I won’t have a new key made. Perhaps, like how Arionth and I have started again at Western Weyr, I should start these entries anew in another diary. So many memories inhabit these pages, both happy and sad, with both pleasure and pain. If I choose, I can let them slowly, carefully fade to time, until I can look back on them with fondness. In their place, I can focus on making new memories.
I will continue to live.
What was that ancient saying again? Something like, “today is the first day of the rest of your life!”
…
( How’s that for an impromptu last entry? )
Kaiya carefully handed the diary over to the Archives attendant, the tarnished silver key tied to the lock with a piece of ribbon.
The attendant’s eyes widened. “You found the key!”
“Mabonth found it, actually,” Kaiya answered, “Months ago, in the lake!”
“The lake?” the attendant asked, confused. “How did it end up there?” She shook her head. “Anyway,” she continued, “I’m curious! What was in the book? Was it the epic romantic story you were expecting?”
Kaiya slowly shook her head. “It was… bittersweet, I guess you could call it. The story of a girl named Larana, who found love, then lost it, then managed to cope with the loss.”
“That sounds so sad.”
“But at the same time, it’s inspiring,” Kaiya added, “She actually existed, a hundred Turns in the past, and by reading her story, I think I’ve learned a lot! I wonder if…” She hesitated.
“Go on,” the attendant prodded her.
“I wonder if maybe the Weyrwoman could read it,” Kaiya said softly. “I want others to know Larana’s story, and I think the Weyrwoman would relate to her and understand her the best.”
The attendant thought for a moment, then nodded. “I can pass it along to her, and say that you recommended it.”
“You don’t have to mention me,” Kaiya protested.
“Of course I will!” the attendant said forcefully. “You were the one who rediscovered the story! Faranth knows, it would have been locked away and lost forever to time if you hadn’t found it!”
Kaiya nodded slowly. “Thank you,” she said, smiling.
As she walked out of the Archives, Kaiya felt a weight lift from her shoulders.
I wrote this chapter during the aftermath of finding out that a close friend had passed away, and not even a week later, one of my cousins had passed away as well. It was therapeutic, in a way - writing about Larana's grief and the support from her friends mirrored what I was going through, and I'd like to think it helped me process it. My feelings are still raw at this point, but I'm thankful for all the support I've gotten from my family and friends.
To those who have read this far, thank you so much for reading!