Melancholic Thoughts

Snippets from 2006-2019

Just a few insights from the past that hint at some very important things in my life.

"When I think of the women who’ve made it in STEM fields, especially NASA, I wonder what the difference is between them and me. I know I have the intelligence and understanding, and I’d like to think I used to have the drive, to a certain extent. Maybe there’s still some sane part of my brain that knows the field requires more of myself than I’m willing to give? Less work/life balance and more obsession, maybe? Unhealthy fixation? I don’t know. Thinking about it makes me feel a little sad. Am I happier just dreaming about doing these things, since actually doing them will make me miserable?"

- 4/16/2019

My attempt at trying to reconcile not being able to get a high-level STEM job with not having to deal with the mental health sacrifices required to get to that level. I spent years going by what other people expected of me when it came to school, work and life, and I was devastated when I couldn't reach that level. It eventually dawned on me that everyone else's expectations of me were too high and I should focus on what makes me truly happy. (It ended up not being the high-powered scientist job in the end.)

"For some reason, I'm really having a problem with trying to keep my mouth shut. I keep saying soooo many stupid things and ramble on and on... And every time I do it, I can imagine people saying or thinking, "why won't she just shut up?!" I keep telling myself that there's no need to say anything unless I'm being asked a question, and that no one cares what my opinion is on anything because they have their own problems to worry about. And still, I feel an urge just to talk about something, anything at all. To share things. I don't know why. Maybe I'm lonely. I didn't have this problem before, since there weren't many people around who I could hold a decent, intellectual conversation with, besides my teachers. And now that there are, I've really found how blunt I can be, and how I would just shoot off my mouth and say things that could offend people, and I wouldn't even know it until someone pointed it out later on. This really is bothering me, because I do it all the time, and keep making so many mistakes. I really want to be nice and pleasant around everyone, and I don't know how much this "talking" problem will affect that. Sometimes, I just wish I could not have to talk to anyone at all unless they ask me a question or something like that, so I wouldn't have to deal with it. Other times, though, I really want to talk to others, and show them that I'm not an intellectual robot or a walking dictionary - that I actually have other interests!"

- 3/27/2006

Reading this now, I think I can safely say that my ADHD symptoms started being a problem when I started college. I do still have a problem with talking too much if the topic is interesting to me, but over time I think I've learned to reign it in a bit. I'd also like to think that I'm not as blunt anymore!

"Is there a balance needed between self-love and mindfulness?

What if the little things you do at work to cope with stress and anxiety don't contribute to the 'company image' the workplace wants to show? Is it better for an individual to suffer in order to make the department look better, or look more professional? It also doesn't help that a lot of the regulations (?) on these little things aren't written down anywhere official, and are probably handed down by word of mouth, and probably only enforced only if it isn't you who's involved."

- 3/18/2019

Now that I'm reviewing this, this was a sign that the workplace I was at was horrible and I should have gotten out sooner than I did. The bullying and gaslighting was exceptionally heavy at this point.