A memorable quote from the comment section of "Is graduate school in chemistry bad for your mental health?":
Nothing that you do for the love of it is worthless, not to you. If you dare to dig deep, focus on what you want. Right now you seem to be focused on doing what others (your parents, future advisers or employers) want. You can't possibly satisfy all of them, so no wonder you feel exhausted and lost.
Looking for purpose in life is tough and risky and you may not like what you discover. The prize of this discovery is well worth the risk, though. There is fun and satisfaction and new sources of resistance to all kinds of head-winds you will encounter in life.
Since (for now) you are an engineer-to-be here is a structured approach to this quest:
- find your core values
- find lifestyle that agrees with your values
- live it
- repeat
Your values and lifestyles will change along with your desires and goals. That is good. I can't promise you that, but you may actually find that you like ChemEng and/or graduate school when you ditch the expectations of others and focus on your values.
I am a ChemEng (M.Sc.) and a phys. org. chemist (Ph.D.) and I love to mix and match my challenges and skills to solve them. I get accused of not being the "specialist" and "professional" by all kinds of narrow minded people. I also solved problems and made correct predictions that no one else could hack. That means I got to define my success and I am happy to please others without giving up my soul.
Reading material:
Is graduate school in chemistry bad for your mental health?
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5
The road to a Science Ph.D
Part 1
Part 2
I Didn't Want To Lean Out
On mourning and moving on: rituals for leaving a career